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These days we here the word co-dependant everywhere. Many don't know the proper meaning of
this sickness. Co-dependency is one of the root illnesses that we are left with from our abuse
issues. Co-dependency can destroy any relationship we enter into, make us weak and needy, in
ways that can never be satisfied fills us with desperation that can and many times does lead
to suicide.
Another name I give to co-dependency is a need to be needed. There are two parties to this
game:
This type of relationship there are two main factors: one person is needed and the other
needs. The person that is needed may seem strong when in fact he or she has to have their ego
padded non-stop and must be in complete control of all that goes on with in the relationship.
Similar to a spoiled brat. This person will fly off the handle very quickly and display temper
tantrum like personalities, when they do not get their own way.
The needy person or the visually weaker person is filled with self-pity, complaints, almost
like a suck hole attitude. This person is constantly suicidal and can do absolutely nothing,
comfortably, without their counter part.
Many of today's marriages, parent/child relationships, friendships and many others
relationships, are co-dependently based. This is one of the main reasons for domestic violence
and child abuse. It is also one of the main reasons some of our children are having shooting
sprees at our schools. Serious and deadly.
To brake this we have to work very hard. We First have to open our eyes, come out of denial
and look clearly and honestly at ourselves, then we have to see all of our weaknesses and
begin to strengthen them, finally we must set proper personal boundaries for ourselves.
Co-Dependency is the very root of Abuse:
These entries define co-dependency:
When you give up your boundaries in a relationship you:
{Taken from:" How to be an Adult - A Handbook on Psychological
and Spiritual Integration" by David Richo, Ph.d.}
1. Are unclear about your preferences
2. Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern
3. Alter your behaviour, plans, opinions, to fit the current moods or
circumstances of another (live reactively)
4. Do more and more for less and less
5. Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard
6. Live hopefully while wishing and waiting
7. Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving
8. Let others minimal improvement maintain your stalemate
9. Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed
activity
10. Make exceptions for this person for things you would not tolerate in anyone
else and accept a libis
11. Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity
12. Keep trying to create intimacy with a narcissist
13. Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results
14. Will forsake every personal limit to get "love" or the promise of it
15. See your partner as causing your excitement
16. Feel hurt and victimized but not angry
17. Act out of compliance and compromise
18. Do favours that you inwardly resist (cannot say NO)
19. Disregard intuition in favour of wishes
20. Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends
21. Mostly feel afraid and confused
22. Are enmeshed in a drama that unfolds beyond your control
23. Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable
24. Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed that way
(no bottom line)
Below are some good pointers on what boundaries are needed to heal this Co-Dependency:
When your boundaries are intact in a relationship you:
1. Have clear preferences and act on them
2. Recognize when you are happy / unhappy
3. Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while remaining centered (live
actively)
4. Do more that gets results
5. Trust your own intuition while being open to others' opinions
6. Live optimistically while co-working on change
7. Are only satisfied if you are thriving
8. Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better
9. Have excited interest in self - enhancing hobbies and projects
10. Have a personal standard that, albeit flexible, applies to everyone and ask
for accountability
11. Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate
12. Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible
13. Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information
14. Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost to your
integrity
15. See your partner as stimulating your excitement
16. Let yourself feel anger, say "Ouch!" and embark on a program of change
17. Act out pf agreement and negotiation
18. Only do favors you choose to do (can say NO)
19. Honor intuition and distinguish them from wishes
20. Insist others' boundaries be as safe as yours
21. Mostly feel secure and clear
22. Are always aware of choices
23. Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted for
yourself
24. Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed
25. Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious
Please use these examples to heal yourself and your families!
Written by:
Angel Femia of LoveCry
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